Dementia

de·men·tia

dəˈmen(t)SH(ē)ə/

noun

Medicine

noun: dementia

a chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning.

The first time I ever heard this word was back in the 1990's when my grandmother had it. I didn't fully understand it back then. All I knew was that Nana had a hard time remembering things and it got worse over time. Nobody even mentioned that word to me until she had forgotten who I was and everyone else was. She always used to ask who her husband was and when she couldn't think of his name she called him"big jackass" it made every one chuckle a little bit in the mists of all of this occasionally we needed a lighter moment. As time went on she became less and less verbal until she didn't talk at all. But, if you looked deep into her eyes you could tell what she was feeling. When they say that the eyes are the window to the soul in my grandmother's case they were right. 

My mom took care of my grandmother after my step grandfather died, a year before she did. He was not in good health himself and had lung cancer but he managed with the help of a caregiver to take care of himself and my grandmother. They each wanted to die at home and so when he passed away in their home in 2004 my mom practically moved in to take care of my grandmother until she passed away the following year. It was not an easy thing to do. By this time my mom's sister chose to try to take everything she could, all the material possessions that she could, and giving out advice that was not needed or desired at the time. She wanted to stay involved but from a far. As long as she didn't have to do any of the physical work involved then she was fine staying on the outside looking in and criticizing everything that was done. My mom did the best she could with the help of the caregiver who had become a family friend by this time and often worked for free just because she cared. 

After my grandmother passed away I never thought of dementia again. It was totally out of my mind and I wanted to keep it out of my mind and out of my family forever. I never ever cared to hear about it again. I went on not thinking about it. We all went through some hard times and then when things got better, not perfect but just better for everyone. Then it hit. That nasty word crept back into my world again. Ten years after my grandmother passed there it was hitting me smack in the face and again. It felt like someone punched me in the gut and took all the air out of me. I struggled to breath. I couldn't breath, couldn't catch my breath again. 

I heard this word to describe my mother. The woman who had been my pillar of strength for last 50 years. The woman who raised me single handled after my father died when I was 11 year old leaving her with my 8 year old sister and myself to take care of. She went from a stay at home mom to working mom in the blink of an eye. Doing all she could to make ends meet for us. She was the strength of the family. We always had what we needed she made sure of that. Then after my brother was born when I was 14 years old I had no problem babysitting him when I needed to. In fact, my brother was with me so much after school that people thought he was my baby. Either I was looking older or they thought I was a very young teenage mom. But, we all did what we could and we all survived though the good the bad and the ugly. From living in what you would call the suburbs to being homeless and living in hotels to finding an apartment where we live now which is tiny compared to the 4 bedroom house that was ours for a brief period of time. But, we feel blessed that we have a roof over our heads no matter how small. 

Through it all my mom was our saving grace, our strength she never gave up and would let us give up either. She knew that better things were coming. And something came like she said. We have been living here for about 7 years now looking to move but that is another story. For now we are here and that is a big accomplishment. 

So, when the doctor said that she had dementia we all were in a state of unbelievable shock. No, this could not be happening again. Not to her. She didn't believe it either and for the past few months we have had a couple of scary times with her. She has had a couple of strokes and a few hospital visits  and many bills in between. 

She has good days, bad days and horrible days now. Today is one of the bad days. She reminds me of my Nana today on her worst day. But, inside of her I know she is strong and I know that she will fight as long as she can for herself and for us.