With A Heavy Heart
It's another 4th of July around the corner. I should say closer than the corner since it is tomorrow. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I was looking forward to this holiday I probably would have said that I was. I liked the fireworks, the food, the togetherness of my small family eating and laughing. When I was younger I used to spend it and most holidays at my grandmother's house. Back then it was only my sister, mom, and me from our family then my brother came along, was born when I was 14 and it became us and my mom's sister's family. My mom's sister had a husband and 3 boys eventually. Back then my sister and I would always say as the years passed that we were tired of seeing the same people all the time for every holiday. We would say that we were tired of sitting in the backyard and digging out the lawn chairs from their basement that was spider filled and once we got tall enough we had to duck or bump our heads on the low ceiling. We used to moan and groan about the swing set being gone one year when we came and we used to get upset because we couldn't climb the plum tree and get the plums down from the top. Nana, our grandmother, would only let us get them off the low branches, she was nervous about us climbing to the top. The cousins would complain about their parents, especially their dad. We would manage to secure a corner of the backyard, us kids, and talk away from the grown ups and we would talk about them and school and usually how good the food was. Back then we didn't know how lucky we were. How that one day all the people we complained about would be gone or old. That we too would be old and have kids of our own who probably complain about us. And those kids would have kids and one of the cousins and my sister would be grandparents all before they were 50.
Back then we thought that repetition on holidays was a bad thing. But, it really was not. Then one year back 41 years ago almost, my little brother was born two days after the 4th of July so the holiday became another celebration also. It became a day to celebrate him also. My grandparents brought him a giant sheet cake as they did all of the grandkids on their birthdays and we would eat cake in addition to the ribs, burgers, chicken, potato salad and punch. Two days later at our house on his actual birthday we would celebrate again. When my grandparents got older, too old to buy cakes and have picnics, my mom would buy him a sneakers cake. I am not sure if he wanted it year after year but that was my mom. My brother didn't like change and so my mom never changed the cake except once. The one time it was not a snicker's cake we all shopping at the grocery store a day or two before the 4th and we stopped at the bakery to order cake. My brother said that he wanted the cookies and cream one in the window and that is what he got.
My brother passed away last year in June. It was sudden, came without warning. I saw him in the morning getting breakfast and by the time the Warriors play off game came on that year he was gone. I would always ask him about a week or so before his birthday what he wanted for his birthday and he would give me a list and I would order it for him. He didn't want much. He would list a couple of video games, usually, MLB and NBA something and some stuff that he needed like socks, shoes, or pants or shirts. Last year I was going to ask him what he wanted a little earlier so I could get the list together. I didn't get the chance. It was June 7th and he was gone.
Last year was the first year that I didn't see that snickers cake in the fridge waiting to be cut on the 6th of July. It was the first year in almost 40 years that I didn't have a list to order stuff for him. It was the first year that he didn't turn on the fireworks on the TV to watch.
Now, this is year two, of him missing the 4th of July and then his birthday. I know that some people still celebrate people who aren't here anymore birthday's and post on Facebook and all over happy birthday to so and so in heaven. I always sort of felt that was more for the people here to post and buy cakes because the people in heaven are just that in heaven. They have celebrated all the birthdays on earth that they did and now they are gone. I choose to remember my brother and do something in his honor for his birthday and choose not to plaster birthday wishes for him all over social media. This year like last year I will do something nice and kind for someone just as he did when he was here on earth. That will not be posted all over social media except right here. It is a personal thing and it still hurts my heart that he is not here anymore. I do feel his spirit everyday though and that makes it somewhat easier.
Tomorrow my heart will be heavy and it will be even heavier on his birthday.
Back then we thought that repetition on holidays was a bad thing. But, it really was not. Then one year back 41 years ago almost, my little brother was born two days after the 4th of July so the holiday became another celebration also. It became a day to celebrate him also. My grandparents brought him a giant sheet cake as they did all of the grandkids on their birthdays and we would eat cake in addition to the ribs, burgers, chicken, potato salad and punch. Two days later at our house on his actual birthday we would celebrate again. When my grandparents got older, too old to buy cakes and have picnics, my mom would buy him a sneakers cake. I am not sure if he wanted it year after year but that was my mom. My brother didn't like change and so my mom never changed the cake except once. The one time it was not a snicker's cake we all shopping at the grocery store a day or two before the 4th and we stopped at the bakery to order cake. My brother said that he wanted the cookies and cream one in the window and that is what he got.
My brother passed away last year in June. It was sudden, came without warning. I saw him in the morning getting breakfast and by the time the Warriors play off game came on that year he was gone. I would always ask him about a week or so before his birthday what he wanted for his birthday and he would give me a list and I would order it for him. He didn't want much. He would list a couple of video games, usually, MLB and NBA something and some stuff that he needed like socks, shoes, or pants or shirts. Last year I was going to ask him what he wanted a little earlier so I could get the list together. I didn't get the chance. It was June 7th and he was gone.
Last year was the first year that I didn't see that snickers cake in the fridge waiting to be cut on the 6th of July. It was the first year in almost 40 years that I didn't have a list to order stuff for him. It was the first year that he didn't turn on the fireworks on the TV to watch.
Now, this is year two, of him missing the 4th of July and then his birthday. I know that some people still celebrate people who aren't here anymore birthday's and post on Facebook and all over happy birthday to so and so in heaven. I always sort of felt that was more for the people here to post and buy cakes because the people in heaven are just that in heaven. They have celebrated all the birthdays on earth that they did and now they are gone. I choose to remember my brother and do something in his honor for his birthday and choose not to plaster birthday wishes for him all over social media. This year like last year I will do something nice and kind for someone just as he did when he was here on earth. That will not be posted all over social media except right here. It is a personal thing and it still hurts my heart that he is not here anymore. I do feel his spirit everyday though and that makes it somewhat easier.
Tomorrow my heart will be heavy and it will be even heavier on his birthday.
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