Just Being There Sometimes Helps
Life and death can be complicated sometimes in different ways and some in the same sort of way. In death you are loosing something, someone that you will never get back. Sometimes in life you loose people too that you will never get back. But, if a choice was to be made probably mostly everyone would choose life over death I would think.
So, my friend who for some reason likes to talk about death. Since I have known her she has been fascinated with crime novels, true crime that always has a death in it. When I was working at the library I would always tell her the newest true crime books that we had coming in. I was her inside person to the new crime books. So, it didn't surprise me when my brother died that she talked about his death since day one. She was in shock as we all were that it happened so suddenly without any warning. Just in the morning you saw him and by the late afternoon he was gone. What did surprise me though was one day she was chatting with me on Facebook as we typically do throughout the day and she asked me did I clean out my brother's room. I told her no not yet. He has been gone for only 2 weeks and some days. She said, "Oh that is sad. It is not like he is coming back. It is like you guys think he is coming back." I was taken back by her comment and it shocked me in a way that she could be so insensitive to say something like that. I was like what is she thinking? Right now, that was the last thing I needed to hear. I told her of course we all know he is not coming back. Death is permanent. Nobody comes back after death. Yeah, I know that some people say they saw the bright light and then they came back because it wasn't their time yet. My mom even has one of those stories when she was giving birth to my brother and she started to bleed heavily and she almost died but not quite but she said she did see the light heard the voices and came back because someone told her on the other side of the light that it was not her time she had just had a baby and the baby needed her. I do believe her and I do believe that other stories that people have told about near death experiences and I hope that I never have one.
So, I told her that yes, we all know he is not coming back and the reason I have not cleaned out his room is not sad the reason being that in the two weeks since he has passed I have been the one making the arrangements and calling and letting everyone know he is gone. I have been the one explaining death to my son who at 12 has never experience someone this close to him dying before. I have held his hand, wiped his tears and hugged him daily since this has happened. I have been the ones sitting with my mom during the day and at night while she talks about him one second like she remembers the day clearly and the next breath she asks where he is. (dementia) I have cried when I was supposed to be the strong the one and hold everyone together. I have been the one to call the funeral home every other day and asked are his ashes ready because we are ready to get the memorial over with and move forward as my mom keeps saying when she has moments of remembering all that happened.
I told her that we are so aware that he is not coming back that my son has set up his computer and PlayStation in my brother's room on a table he got out of the kitchen. They both liked to play and he feels closer to him being in his room playing. We have processed that he is not coming back so much that my nephew goes in there to watch my brother's TV and he has moved some of the stuff around to one side of the room so it would be easier to pack when the time comes. We are so aware that he is not here anymore that I have taken his grocery list off of the fridge where he put it and folded it up and put it on the top of the fridge for now. We are so aware that he is not here anymore that we have split up all the chores that he used to do among ourselves now. Something as simple as making kool aid which he kept always in the fridge for my mom to drink has to be made by me now. It is not as good as his but it is drinkable. (lol) We are so aware that he is gone when we wake up in the morning he is not there.
I told her yes we are aware that he is not coming back. Yes, it is sad that he is gone and not coming back and not like he has taken a vacation, that kind of gone. He is permanently gone, his physical presence is gone. We will never hear his voice again, see his smile again or just know that he has our back when we need it and when we don't. We will miss his kindness and quiet presence and all the sport shows he watched and all the Warrior games and A's games and Raiders, 49er games we all watched with him whether the team won or lost we cheered together with him.
I don't think that she met any harm in saying that but she really didn't think before she typed it either. I know that she has never really lived with anyone that has died. She has witnessed death from a far sort of but not up close and personal. So, I kept that in mind after I read her comments also that until you have walked in the same shoes as someone else that you really don't know what to sometimes and or what to do but sometimes you don't need to say anything or do anything but be there. Just be there, reach out offer to just be there.
So, my friend who for some reason likes to talk about death. Since I have known her she has been fascinated with crime novels, true crime that always has a death in it. When I was working at the library I would always tell her the newest true crime books that we had coming in. I was her inside person to the new crime books. So, it didn't surprise me when my brother died that she talked about his death since day one. She was in shock as we all were that it happened so suddenly without any warning. Just in the morning you saw him and by the late afternoon he was gone. What did surprise me though was one day she was chatting with me on Facebook as we typically do throughout the day and she asked me did I clean out my brother's room. I told her no not yet. He has been gone for only 2 weeks and some days. She said, "Oh that is sad. It is not like he is coming back. It is like you guys think he is coming back." I was taken back by her comment and it shocked me in a way that she could be so insensitive to say something like that. I was like what is she thinking? Right now, that was the last thing I needed to hear. I told her of course we all know he is not coming back. Death is permanent. Nobody comes back after death. Yeah, I know that some people say they saw the bright light and then they came back because it wasn't their time yet. My mom even has one of those stories when she was giving birth to my brother and she started to bleed heavily and she almost died but not quite but she said she did see the light heard the voices and came back because someone told her on the other side of the light that it was not her time she had just had a baby and the baby needed her. I do believe her and I do believe that other stories that people have told about near death experiences and I hope that I never have one.
So, I told her that yes, we all know he is not coming back and the reason I have not cleaned out his room is not sad the reason being that in the two weeks since he has passed I have been the one making the arrangements and calling and letting everyone know he is gone. I have been the one explaining death to my son who at 12 has never experience someone this close to him dying before. I have held his hand, wiped his tears and hugged him daily since this has happened. I have been the ones sitting with my mom during the day and at night while she talks about him one second like she remembers the day clearly and the next breath she asks where he is. (dementia) I have cried when I was supposed to be the strong the one and hold everyone together. I have been the one to call the funeral home every other day and asked are his ashes ready because we are ready to get the memorial over with and move forward as my mom keeps saying when she has moments of remembering all that happened.
I told her that we are so aware that he is not coming back that my son has set up his computer and PlayStation in my brother's room on a table he got out of the kitchen. They both liked to play and he feels closer to him being in his room playing. We have processed that he is not coming back so much that my nephew goes in there to watch my brother's TV and he has moved some of the stuff around to one side of the room so it would be easier to pack when the time comes. We are so aware that he is not here anymore that I have taken his grocery list off of the fridge where he put it and folded it up and put it on the top of the fridge for now. We are so aware that he is not here anymore that we have split up all the chores that he used to do among ourselves now. Something as simple as making kool aid which he kept always in the fridge for my mom to drink has to be made by me now. It is not as good as his but it is drinkable. (lol) We are so aware that he is gone when we wake up in the morning he is not there.
I told her yes we are aware that he is not coming back. Yes, it is sad that he is gone and not coming back and not like he has taken a vacation, that kind of gone. He is permanently gone, his physical presence is gone. We will never hear his voice again, see his smile again or just know that he has our back when we need it and when we don't. We will miss his kindness and quiet presence and all the sport shows he watched and all the Warrior games and A's games and Raiders, 49er games we all watched with him whether the team won or lost we cheered together with him.
I don't think that she met any harm in saying that but she really didn't think before she typed it either. I know that she has never really lived with anyone that has died. She has witnessed death from a far sort of but not up close and personal. So, I kept that in mind after I read her comments also that until you have walked in the same shoes as someone else that you really don't know what to sometimes and or what to do but sometimes you don't need to say anything or do anything but be there. Just be there, reach out offer to just be there.
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