Tomorrow

People have always said that things happen for a reason. I never understood that and I especially don't understand it now. I don't understand why someone you love dearly just drops dead in the blink of an eye right in front of you. Why good people die and it seems that "bad" ones don't until they are 90 years old sometimes. I don't understand why people who call themselves "family" don't come and try to help you in your darkest hours. I don't understand why when you ask for help all you get is advice or words that don't mean anything. I don't understand why people say they are going to do things that they have no intention of doing ever.

This unfortunately is not my first experience with death or dying. This is the first time though I had to deal with the death of a sibling. I never dreamed he would die this early in his life. I had him living to be an old man. I didn't have him dying before his 40th birthday in July. Never in my wildest dreams. But, every time I have to deal with death it seems that people's true colors show and those colors are not good. Most are claiming to be family, I say they are relatives not family because family is there for you through the good, the bad and the ugly. These people are fly by night "family" when things are good they are good talking and coming to see you. Just as long as they don't have to help you in any kind of way except to give you "advice".

Going through all of this has made me see the true colors of the living, the people that supposedly are friends and family. I see the "real" friends and family that reached out. I can count them on one hand and minus a few fingers. I know that I should know who would and wouldn't step up with a helping hand and some kind words but I like to think that people are good and kind for the most part and especially the people I chose to have as friends and the people that were born into the same family as I was. I would like to think that I didn't need to ask that they know the need and would step up or even if they didn't step up anyway. I guess in some ways in my gut I did know. I knew it before my brother died, before anyone died. I knew who would step up and who wouldn't and who would reach out and who wouldn't.

I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be making arrangements for my little brother whom I held as a baby. I shouldn't have to hear my sister say what she has and I shouldn't have to doubt her word. I shouldn't have to hear condolences and people promising to send prayers which may or may not be sent. People say it because it is just the right thing to say and they can't think of anything else to say. There are no words to say really. There are only actions left, a hug, a sincere thought, offers to cook a meal, a kind card, a phone call just to listen, an offer to help with expenses, an offer to just be there to be the shoulder to cry on all night, to say it will be okay, even though we know it will never be all right ever again.

Tomorrow is the visit to the funeral home to pay, to make the appropriate arrangements. Tomorrow papers will be filled out. People will ask about services, people that didn't come to see him life but want to see him in death. People that only show up at funerals and no other time. I dread tomorrow. I have a feeling I will be dreading some more tomorrow's for a long time.

Peace be with you until tomorrow.....