Live Life

Every time someone dies everyone also says to live like it is your last day because you never know. I don't even know what that means. Does it mean do all the things that you want to do everyday? Does it mean don't do some things but do others? I have no clue sometimes. My days I am not living like I am going to die tomorrow I don't think. I don't do things that I want to do because most of the time I can't. Every day I sit in the big brown chair that is broken and won't recline any more due to the fact that it was cheaply made to begin with and that my nephew used it for a bed for the past two years. But, I sit and I cook and clean and watch tv and watch my mom decline daily. I don't mean physically decline as much as mentally. I watch her make faces, hold her head in her hands for what she says is no reason but most likely a side effect to one of the many medications that she takes daily which make her dizzy, blurry vision, etc.. They make her dizzy, blurry vision,  tired, sleepy, you name it the meds probably do it. Like one of the commercials you see on TV that say the side effects are every thing. I listen to her as she asks the same question over and over again and walk to the store once a day to get something she wants. Usually candy.

So, needless to say my life, her life and everyone around us lives have changed. But, more so mine and hers. I am here every single day of the year for practically 24hours per day minus 10 minutes of store time per day. My sister has her own life she comes every week. My nephew goes to work and when he is here she is asleep for the most part so he misses all the daily stuff of cooking, cleaning, dishes, complaining,  the visits from various people that need to come on certain days, the mental toll it takes on me and her. I tell you being a caregiver is like mothering all over again but the mother is your mother. Don't get me wrong I don't hate it and happy that she is still here on this earth but I wish that things were different. I wish that she was back to her self but not all of her old self because she was "mean" back in the day and very controlling. (LOL) But, I would like her to be somewhere between her old self and this self she has turned into now. I wish that I was more successful so to say with more of a life. I wanted to be comfortable not wealthy so say but just comfortable not living to make ends meet always trying to make a dime out of a penny. (LOL)

So, I am still trying to figure out how to live like I am going to die tomorrow. I guess I need to put more life back in my life. More life back in my mom's life. If I could I would be driving Miss Daisy like the movie, just driving with my mom and sitting in a park somewhere listening to her complain about how hot, cold, or tasteless the fast food was that we would get on the way to the park. Right now I would even take a walk with her to the corner store. Since her illness or even before she was not one to want to get out much. She said it was because she hated to drive. I think that when she learned how to drive that her parents especially her step father had her driving him all over and she got tired of it but in her older age when she had kids it gave her a certain freedom. A freedom that I am sure she misses now. If only I could get that back for both of us.