Getting Old...Maybe it sucks, LOL

My mom is the first person I have seen grow old up close and personal. My dad died before he got old. He was young when he died. He was only 37. The same age that my mom was or would have been in a few months. My grandmother, Nana, I didn't really think of as old when I was little. She was just my Nana. I saw the signs of age of course as we both got older but I didn't live with her so I didn't really have a every day "seat" so to say watching her age. I saw her usually once a week sometimes twice and on the holidays. My great grandmother I didn't know in person, only in pictures. She died when she was in her late 60's before I was born on both sides. Nana died when she was in her 80's and in the year before she died I didn't see her much which I do regret. I was pregnant with my son for some of that time and the rest of the time before I was in school again. Neither of those are good excuses. But, I did get to spend a month with her after my son was born when she stayed at our house while my step grandfather was in the hospital having a heart operation. She had dementia and I don't know if she even knew who I was. By then she was non verbal but from time to time I thought I saw something in her eyes, some kind of recognition. Maybe I just wanted to see it. I don't know but, it gave me some peace of mind just seeing any kind of spark in Nana. She still loved to walk and my uncle would come over and walk with her. I only noticed, really noticed then that my Nana was an old lady and I was trying to think of when that happened. How did I miss it? 

I lived on my own and with someone for about 10 years when I was in my mid twenties. So, for that time I only saw my mom mostly on the weekends when I wasn't working and sometimes I would stay the whole weekend then I would return back to my home. At 38 I returned to my childhood home and stayed there until we moved to my grandmother's home after she passed away. But, I still didn't see my mom as old. She was older of course but the same feisty woman telling everyone what to do as she had always done. She still was the first person to tell you about yourself and what she thought you should or shouldn't be doing and didn't care that you were  grown and old enough to make your own decisions. She was still that woman who loved power. Power over her family. She ran her house the way she wanted to with that same iron way that she ran it when we were younger. Almost like time had stood still when I returned. She still saw me as a 12 year old I thought. I doubted that she she saw any of her kids as adults and doubt if she really ever will in a sense. 

She got sick two almost three years ago. Since that time I have noticed that she is old now, older then she has ever been. She looks it now and I look older too. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see some glimpses of her in my face. I see in both of us that time has not stood still. She is half the woman she used to be now. She takes a lot of medications and walks with a walker, something that she would have never dreamed of doing 10 years ago, when she was still telling us off in her own way, she makes all kinds of sour puss faces during the day now and has all kinds of little aches and pains that are nagging at her aging body, she needs more help then she ever would allow us to do if she could do it herself. She is not as active as she used to be and now hates stairs.  A complete disgust for stairs going up and down them.  And unfortunately we have 17 steps to go out of the house and every time we have to leave the house it is a struggle with her and her newly acquired anxiety. I think that is one of the side effects of one of her many pills. 

Today is not a good day. Yesterday was a better day for her and last week was a great week for her. But, today is just awful for her. And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to make it less painful for her or less stressful. All I can do is encourage her to do the things that she actually can do but will say she can't all day long. 

I have heard people say that getting old sucks. Today I tend to agree with that.