Just Live

Honestly I thought that by now I would have been married living the "good life" whatever that is supposed be. I guess the good life would be the middle class American dream for the most part.  I spent many years dating and even living with the wrong people for me. At the time I didn't know it. I thought that each and every one of them was the "right" one until they proved to be the wrong ones.  I used to think that it was me, where did I go wrong? I spent too many hours and too many sleepless nights deep in those thoughts. Then I decided rather recently just to really start living. Not, just going through the motions of getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, etc..and living the life of homeschooling, care giving, etc..I decided to LIVE.  I may not ever find the "right" one nor another "wrong" one. But, that is okay it all comes with  living, to swim with the tide not against it. To go with the flow of my life now not against it.  To enjoy things that I have overlooked in the past with all the "thinking" I did at times.  I don't want to think about all the "what if's" and about how I got to be sitting here right now in this chair. I want to enjoy sitting here in this chair and I will enjoy getting up out of this chair in a few minutes and going outside alone and doing something that I like for a few minutes and that is just walking looking at the changing colors of Autumn. Really looking and really enjoying. I am not going to pay attention, or much attention to the other noise that fills the air in this neighborhood. Luckily it is early so not too much noise should be lurking in the air. I am going to take pictures of the trees and the flowers that have survived the drought. I am going to take deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of the sun warming my skin and feeling the slight breeze that is blowing through the trees. 

Today I have made a conscience decision to just live, live motherhood, live adulthood, live in the moment, live in the second, live in this place, in this world. Just live.